Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
