Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
