I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Randomize
