i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Randomize
