"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
