My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
