Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
