My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
