A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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