even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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