i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
