you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
