I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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