If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
