i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
