That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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