i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
