I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
