Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
