I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar