He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
