Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
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When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
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I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
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