My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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