why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
