anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
