This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
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I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
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Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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