Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
