I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
