theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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