he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
