We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
