I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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