Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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