im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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