You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
