We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
