Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
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But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
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Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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