Four minutes until I can fart!
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
