I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
This baby is an asshole
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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