if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
