I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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