I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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