It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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