Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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