The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
