Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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