I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Randomize
