Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
