Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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