don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Randomize
