Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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