He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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