I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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