Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
