She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
