Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
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