I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
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