i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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