The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
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Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
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I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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