I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
there's paper in my vomit.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
