Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
