i may or may not be watching the land before time
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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