I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
